How Do You Build Self-Confidence?

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 by: Skye Thomas

Years ago while
running an at-home daycare, I came to realize that we're all born with
an innate sense of self-confidence. Every single child under the age of
five that I have ever observed has had a strong self-confidence in at
least one area of their life. Most kids had confidence in all areas of
their lives. It seems to me that they systematically lose that
confidence and it's replaced by an inner critic. Quite often it's the
child's home life, but sometimes it's the schools, neighborhood kids,
extended family, or some other person who unknowingly destroys the
child's belief in themselves. Children have to be told they aren't good
enough, strong enough, smart enough, talented enough to accomplish
whatever it is they're trying to do. Unfortunately, most of us are told
exactly that. So, how do we rebuild that sense of self-confidence?

The
first thing I want you to do is to imagine that you had an ideal loving
emotionally supportive childhood. Think about what kind of person you
would have been if you had been raised to believe in yourself and in
your natural gifts and talents. What were those gifts and talents? What
were you really good at? What kinds of activities came easy for you?
Now write down a list of talents, traits, attributes, and gifts that
you loved and probably excelled at before you were convinced that you
weren't any good at them. Choose items from that list for the next step.

Self-confidence
is broken a piece at a time. So you're going to rebuild it a piece at a
time. Pick things from your list and plan out tiny baby steps. Were you
meant to be a great artist? Then start out by doodling. Just start
carrying a pencil and paper around with you and allow yourself to
absentmindedly doodle little pictures. Eventually, allow the passion to
find it's way through you and you will begin to draw bigger and better,
adding paints or whatever medium you were always meant to use. Were you
supposed to be a musician? Then start humming little tunes in your
head, begin playing around with an instrument. If it's possible, carry
an instrument around with you and whenever you're bored or have some
downtime, just sit and absentmindedly allow your fingers to play with
it until the music within you begins calling to you again. Whatever the
thing, pick something from your list and begin to play with it without
paying a lot of attention to being perfect or talented or anything
else. Just hold the tools and space out awhile so that you can get out
of your own self-consciousness and just play with the tools. Nobody has
to know if you don't want them to.

Repeat this process as
much as you can. Keep picking up pieces of yourself on that list and
adding them back into your sense of self. Don't wait until you've
become really good at the first new skill before picking up another
one. Just play with each item on your list as the mood crosses you.
There's no need to beat yourself up for not being super talented
because in reality all you are doing is simply playing with toys that
remind you of your childhood. Allow your inner child, inner teenager,
inner artist, inner musician to simply play. Eventually, you will come
to realize one day that you do have natural gifts and talents and that
will go a long way towards building your self-confidence.

That's
all good and well if your confidence problems center around skills, but
what if your lack of self-confidence happens to be in the interpersonal
relationships area? Are you painfully shy? Too afraid of rejection to
even reach out to connect with others? Do you beat yourself up for not
looking just so? Depending on the severity of your self-sabotaging
belief system, you may want to get a professional therapist to help you
with this. If it's not too bad, but you have less self esteem then you
would like to have, then ask someone that you trust to help you with
this part. Ask your friend to point out examples of other people who
look or act like you. For example, if you think you're fat and everyone
says you're not, then have your friend point out to you other people
who are built like you. Have them compare your figure to someone
famous. Chances are they won't say Orson Wells! Few people are really
horribly fat. Eventually, it'll sink in that you are not really as fat
as you think you are. If you're really worried that people will think
you're stupid or dull when they first meet you, then have your friend
rehearse with you so that you can feel comfortable making small talk
with new people.

What if through practicing a new skill
or through working on social skills and your personal image with a
friend, you find out that you need to actually work on something? Maybe
you do have a few pounds to lose. Maybe you need singing lessons. Okay,
so be it. That's not a reason to quit moving forward with building upon
your fragile new sense of confidence. Just go get the help, the
lessons, the workout routine, the coaching or whatever else it is that
you need to continue moving forward. There will always be teachers and
coaches of some sort because there will always be people reaching
beyond where they already are. The only problem with a low
self-confidence is that we stop giving ourselves permission to learn
new things. The fact that we don't know how to be or do everything
perfectly is not a good reason to lose confidence in ourselves. As long
as you can play at new things and can learn, then you are able to
improve and grow. At some point, turn around and look at how far you
have come. Pride will show itself.

Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge

About the Author

Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow's Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, and parenting. Her books and articles have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. To read more of her articles, sign up to receive her free weekly newsletter, and get free previews of her books go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net.

Skye@TomorrowsEdge.net

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