False Start

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 by: Wayne and Tamara

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 7, 2003.

I was married three months ago, and I think I may have
married the wrong woman. What do I mean when I say that? I thought I
was in love, and while I have strong feelings of friendship and
goodwill toward her, I feel I am alone in this relationship.

There is an odd feeling of disconnection and an
inability to get to a state of real meaning with her. This has existed
all through our relationship. "What's for dinner?" and " I need to wash
the car" are about as deep as I can get with her. We can't share
dreams, since I know her only dream is to have children and "be happy."

I am looking to other avenues for stimulation, reading
more books, talking to old friends, and still trying to chip into my
wife's world. I care for her, I don't want to hurt her, and both sets
of in-laws love us. Yet I sit here and wonder why I married her.

Oliver

Oliver, you have a huge decision to make. And soon. The
sooner the better. You need to decide if you can stay married before
your wife starts working on her dream of having children and being
happy.

Perhaps the following letter will influence your decision.

Wayne & Tamara

Unturned Stone

I've been married 19 years, nearly all of them unhappy. I
knew after three months I'd made a mistake, but divorce was and is not
an option. I love my in-laws, we have three children we both adore, and
my husband is the primary wage earner.

We believe God can work miracles. I just don't know if
it'll happen in our case. Over the years we've been to five different
counselors. Seven years ago my husband checked out of the marriage and
had an affair.

After a separation of two years we reconciled, which
really was a miracle, and had our third child. I am at the point now
where I just cannot stand my husband. We have not slept in the same
room for two years, and there is no intimacy on any level. There is no
one in my life I feel this level of anger with.

I have felt from the beginning he does not listen to me!
Because I am not listened to, I don't feel respected. I am a Type A
person, conscientious, hardworking and concerned about others. He's a
friendly person who likes to make others laugh. He's a charmer but
basically lazy.

I made the choice to stay in this marriage. It is the
practical thing to do, and divorce does not bring all the answers. I'm
happiest when he is away. I often think how life would be easier if he
were just dead. How do I get rid of all the bitterness? How do I start
to like my husband again, much less love him?

Clarisse

Clarisse, you are asking for help and tying our hands.
That is like going to a doctor and saying, "It can't be a broken leg."
Sometimes it is a broken leg. What you tried for 19 years hasn't
worked.

You don't "believe" in divorce. Hardly anybody does. But
if you believe fidelity, love, and happiness need to be in a marriage,
then you have to believe in divorce, because without those things you
don't have a marriage.

It is not selfish to want love, fidelity, and affection.
They are human necessities. Think about the kind of marriage you have
shown your children. Are you training them not to "believe" in divorce,
even if they know after three months they made a mistake?

You have been miserable for 19 years. In addition to
five counselors, we'll bet you've also read dozens of books and
hundreds of newspaper and magazine articles. When you have tried all
other avenues, you need to reconsider what you haven't tried.

Wayne & Tamara

About the Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

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