Emancipation

by: Nandang S Nugraha | Total views: 42 | Word Count: 668 | View PDF | Print View

 by: Wayne and Tamara

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 8, 2003

When is it time to divorce a family member?

I've been helping my partner manage his father's
long-term care. This entails working with his brother who controls the
purse strings. My partner and I are both artists, juggling multiple
careers to realize our life work and get the bills paid. Our income is
limited.

My partner's brother is a self-made multimillionaire
with multiple homes and his own private jet. We give what we can in
terms of love, support, and managing round-the-clock care. The brother
attempts to make us feel guilty by saying it is normal for all siblings
to contribute financially and why aren't we.

I found this man disgusting, repulsive, and nauseating
when I first met him 12 years ago, and I feel exactly the same way now.
I have always pretended to have a good time and to love him, which adds
my dishonesty to the picture.

The brother is about to limit how much money he
contributes for his father's care. He will loan his father the rest.
Once the equity is drained from the home and his father becomes
indigent, the brother will provide the resources to take care of him.

My partner is at peace that inheritance isn't part of
his future, but my life is thrown entirely off balance and I end up
with many sleepless nights. What bothers me is the distortion of
reality. I communicate with my partner's brother in writing, but he
consistently misrepresents what I've written to him.

When I resend the information again and again, he
claims it never happened or continues to misrepresent what I said. I
showed the correspondence to a neutral third party, and she confirmed
my perceptions.

This man does not appear to be conscious of his
distortions and really believes his lies are true. We've tried
telephone communication, but it is simply too traumatizing for both my
partner and me to talk with him on the phone.

My counselor of many years has advised terminating the
relationship, and my partner is also considering this. What do you
think?

Marc

Marc, the first time you meet an individual who tells you
up is down, right is left, and good is bad, it stuns you. You question
your own judgment. But there are some people who will look you straight
in the eye and lie.

Because you operate from a basis of honesty and
integrity, you are dumbfounded that there is not some appeal to
goodness or some line of reasoning which will get through to your
partner's brother. But there isn't.

Believe the evidence of your own eyes. This man
operates from the principle that he always gets to have his own way.
You don't need to understand why he is that way. You need only accept
how he is.

Your father-in-law is going to be taken care of
financially, and that is a wonderful thing. You asked when it is time
to divorce a family member. The answer in your case is it was time
about 11 years ago.

Wayne & Tamara

Innocence Lost

I caught my husband cheating over a year and a half ago.
We have worked things out meanwhile and even bought our first home.
What is eating me up every day is always wondering if he will ever do
this again.

I asked him today if there was someone else, and
indirectly he never answered my question. I feel so lost and insecure.
What should I do to get past this?

Donna

Donna, the difficulty with staying with a cheater is you
have to believe they won't do again what they were not supposed to do
in the first place. The first time your husband cheated he took away
your ability to believe he is faithful.

We can't tell you how to get past this. With this man you can only look out for your own best interests.

Wayne

About the Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

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