Curbing the Public Nuisance (Part 2)

by: Nandang S Nugraha | Total views: 58 | Word Count: 773 | View PDF | Print View

 by: David Leonhardt

Yes, that pillar of society that has been with us since
that slithery dude threw humanity for a curve in the Garden of Eden –
that cornerstone of society has been automated.

I am speaking, of course, of the public nuisance ( I wrote about him in Part 1 at http://www.thehappyguy.com/nuisance1.html. )

No longer do pests have to come around in restaurants and
train stations and villages singing loudly and playing their
harpsichords. We now have machines to do that for us – machines like
televisions and radios and elevator muzak and backfiring Mustangs.

In the olden days, you could just throw a brick at a
public nuisance, and that would usually shut him up for two minutes –
five if the brick hit its mark.

But it's harder to throw a brick at a TV, because bar
owners send bloodthirsty lawyers after you, something the old-fashioned
public nuisances knew nothing about. And how can you throw a brick at
the shadowy creature producing elevator muzak?

So it was inevitable that some guy named Mitch Altman
would invent a high-tech way to neutralize those high-tech public
nuisances. It's an infrared keychain called TV-B-Gone that shuts off
intrusive TVs remotely.

"Hey I was watching that show," calls out the
six-foot-four, burly guy at the bar. "Whoever zapped my show has five
second to unzap it., or I'll get off this stool." Oh, well. I suppose
there are still a few technical adjustments to tinker with.

But I was thinking, "Hey. I could invent something
useful like that. I could invent a high-tech brick to shut down those
high-tech public nuisances for at least five minutes." So I did.

First, I set out to defeat muzak. I invented a device
called the Automated Elevator Hostage Taker. I was so excited, I
decided to take it for a test drive. I found a really high building and
headed straight for the elevator.

Half way up, I activated my Automated Elevator Hostage
Taker. "Aha!" I called out. "We have your elevator hostage. If you shut
the muzak off, we will release it unharmed."

The other passengers looked at me like I had a purple horn growing out of one ear.

"I said, turn off the muzak and your elevator won't be harmed."

One passenger was starting to get interested. "What the *$&% do you think you're doing?"

I was positively giddy that my fellow passengers were so
eager to participate. One of them even wanted to get his hands on my
Automated Elevator Hostage Taker, but for public safety reasons I
couldn't let it into untrained hands until it had been fully tested in
both laboratory and field conditions.

"How did your test drive go?" my wife asked.

I looked up at her from my hospital bed. "I think the next prototype will be equipped with life insurance."

Fortunately, I came up with another invention as soon as
I recovered. I call it the Tailpipe Plug-in. Cars emit the most
ghastly-smelling fumes. No. Wait. I take that back. Cars emit the
second-most ghastly-smelling fumes. Diesel buses emit the most
ghastly-smelling fumes.

But those days will soon be over, as people arm themselves with their personal Tailpipe Plug-ins.

"How does it work?" my wife asked.

"So glad you asked. It uses spidey technology."

"Spidey technology?" she looked puzzled.

"That's right. You know, like Spiderman. Let's say a bus
come within a few yards and threatens to belch out yucky black stinky
stuff. You just flick your wrist like this..."

SPLAT! BANG! CRASH!

"Oops."

"You knocked over my prize lamp and broke it. And what's
this ugly goop splattered all over the carpet and the wall? Yuck. Get
it off," my wife demanded.

"I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't?" she raged.

"It's like that expanding foam insulation. No. Wait. It's like very fast-curing expanding foam insulation."

"Well, what do you plan to do about it?" my wife wanted to know.

"I guess I'll have to put on a warning label – Do not use indoors."

Once back in my hospital bed, I realized I had not given the right answer.

I still had many inventions left in me. Like the
Automatic No-parking Sign Dissolver. And the Perfumalizer, handy for
use in crowded buses where people hold onto bars and posts above their
heads. And I can't wait to invent the Escalator Fast-forward Button.

But for now, I am way too distracted by the very loud
TV show my hospital roommate is watching. I sure could use Mitch's
TV-B-Gone right about now.

About the Author

David Leonhardt is a humor columnist

http://www.thehappyguy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html

He is author of Climb Your Stairway to Heaven

Rating: Not yet rated

Comments

Add Comment

Copy and Paste Article Code.

Remember: The article body, title, author bio and links may not be changed or removed. By publishing this article, you agree to all the terms in our Terms of Service.

More articles in this Category

1: Will a Personality Test Help You Find a Career?
2: How to set and achieve Goals
3: New Business Development
4: Remembering long lists
5: How to Deal With Difficult People