Catch-22

by: Nandang S Nugraha | Total views: 52 | Word Count: 670 | View PDF | Print View

 by: Wayne and Tamara

Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 16, 2004

I have been married for a little over seven years, with
one 2-year-old son and another on the way. Over time, I believe my wife
and I have grown apart. Sexually, we never connected.

Prior to our marriage I thought we had a good
connection, but three days after the wedding, she told me being married
did not obligate her to sleep with me. I suppose this is true, but I
found it heartbreaking. I asked what changed. She said she didn't
actually enjoy sex.

I feel she misled me until after the wedding, when she
felt secure enough to tell me her true feelings. Over time, despite
begging and pleading, listening and soothing, we haven't gotten
anywhere. At our last attempt at couples counseling, I explained in
manners both gentle and blunt she needs to accept these things.

The more I bring it up, the more my wife is prone to
tantrums and throwing things. Over the years this has led to
depression, which I handle with medication and regular therapy. I find
myself in Catch-22. I can only work on myself in therapy, not on her or
our marriage. Yet the marriage is the source of my depression.

Clearly we have occasional sex, since we have a child.
But it's infrequent, lacks feeling, and is more akin to making a baby
than making love. I love my son and love being a father. My heart
desperately wants a connection with a woman. I've gotten myself into a
bind, and I don't like my options. Is there a middle road?

Richard

Richard, whatever else marriage is, it is also a
contract. Every legal system allows you to terminate a contract when
fraud and deceit are involved. What the answer was seven years ago is
still the answer. Three days after the wedding, you should have sought
an annulment or divorce.

Everything that's happened since is a complication of
not doing what needed to be done then. Your wife was so sure you would
not leave she could arrogantly admit her deception after the wedding.
Why should she change now? What's in it for her?

Your life is like the scene in "Catch-22" where
Yossarian bandages the leg wound of his young tail-gunner Snowden,
without realizing Snowden is dying from a much more serious wound.
Medicating you without any possible chance of a solution isn't the
answer. In your case the only avenue may be to remove yourself from the
situation.

Find a different counselor, one who can help you work
toward a solution. Just because you didn't deal with the problem before
doesn't mean you can't deal with it now. It only means the price of the
solution will be higher.

Wayne & Tamara

Understudy

A close female friend at work found a new job. I'm
currently deciding what to buy to reflect my friendship toward her, and
to say I'll be there for her in the future. I know she likes diamonds
and blue topaz, her birth stone, but I don't feel comfortable buying
jewelry.

I don't want to buy her a card and leave it at that
because we've been through a lot together, and I feel I would be
letting her down. The problem is she has a boyfriend, and I do not want
to act like I'm trying to make a move on her. How do I show my
appreciation and say I'll be there for her if things don't go the way
she planned?

Trent

Trent, she's chosen her leading man, but you'd like to
understudy the role. That's pretty much it, isn't it? If the current
production gets bad reviews, you might get the part after all. You want
a gift that says I'm not meddling in your relationship, but I'd like
to. Though our suggestion is not to meddle, a restaurant gift card
makes a nice present, and who knows who she'll invite.

Tamara

About the Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

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