When Parents Disagree

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 by: Patty Hone

Moms and dads, are there times you think that parenting
would be easier if you didn't have to make family decisions? Having a
partner that is not in agreement with your parenting ideas or
discipline approaches is more than just frustrating. It can be a cause
of division in even the best of relationships. Furthermore, how you
handle your disagreements will have a direct impact on your
relationship with your partner and with your children.

It would be great if every couple agreed on everything
but that is an unlikely event. One partner may have been raised in a
relaxed environment; another may have been raised in a very strict
home. What is acceptable by one partner may be appalling to another. It
is important to discuss with your partner what your parenting
objectives are. Decide what values are important to both of you. You
will find that some things are more important to you than to your
partner and vice versa. Here are some steps you can do to work towards
resolving parenting disagreements.

1. Discuss your parenting objectives. What is important
to both of you? Sit down with your partner and decide what values are
most important. Also what areas are not as important?

2. Talk about where your children are developmentally
and what they are capable of understanding. Sometimes the reasons for
parenting disputes are because one partner thinks that a child is
capable of understanding something and the other disagrees. Knowing
what your child's cognitive level is will help you to make better
decisions. Do not compare your child to other children. You can use
examples based on what they are capable of doing and not doing. For
instance, if you ask them to get something out of their toy box, do
they understand and go get it? If not expecting your child to be able
to understand certain things may be unreasonable.

3. Find out what both of your parenting strengths and
weaknesses are. Many times both parents want the same things for their
kids. Compliment your partner on his/her strengths. Don't just point
out your partner's flaws.

4. The majority of parenting disagreements are over
discipline methods and when it is appropriate to discipline. One parent
may think that spanking is the best method and the other may prefer
time outs or something else. One of the most effective ways to resolve
this issue is to talk about it. Find out the reasons why your partner
feels the way he/she does. There are pros and cons to every form of
parenting. Talk about why your partner thinks his/her discipline style
is the better method. Sometimes talking about it will help you to see
each other's point of view.

5. If the discussion gets heated, agree to disagree.
Fighting about how to parent is only going to make the situation worse.
Walk away, take a break and discuss it when you are not angry.

6. Plan ahead. Discuss problem situations you are having
with your children. For instance, if you are having a problem with your
child having temper tantrums, discuss how you think this should be
handled. If you have a plan in action, it will be easier for both of
you to follow each other's wishes.

7. Pick your battles. Some things you may never agree
on. You don't have to agree on everything. Find the issues that are
most important to you and work on resolving those first.

8. Do not argue about parenting in front of your
children. This is easier said than done. The best way to handle a
situation you don't agree with is not to interrupt but to wait till
later and then discuss how you think it could have been handled
differently.

9. Work on role modeling communication. If your children
see that you communicate and problem solve together, they will grow up
to do the same. Children often repeat patterns of their own parents.
Look at your relationship and evaluate how you communicate. Is this the
way you would like your children to communicate with their future
partner?

10. Parenting and relationships are a growing process.
The more you communicate the better parent/partner you will be. Learn
from each other and listen to each other. Build on your parenting
strengths and tackle your parenting weaknesses a little at a time. It
won't happen over night but if you continue to discuss things with your
partner calmly and positively you will become better parenting
partners.

About the Author

Patty Hone is a wife and mommy to three kids. She is also the owner of Justmommies.com. Justmommies is an online community for mommies to make friends and find support. Please visit Justmommies at http://www.justmommies.com.

email@justmommies.com

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