What the Matter Is

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 by: Skye Thomas

When my oldest
boy was really young, he tickled my mother with that phrase. I would
ask him, "What's the matter?" and he would answer me, "Well, what the
matter is..." followed by whatever it was that he needed to discuss
with me. He would say it with that very serious face that children get
when they are expecting to be taken very seriously. We all loved the
cute way he prefaced his concerns.

I overheard my
daughter talking to my two year old the other day and it caused me to
remember those days long ago when her older brother used to talk about
'what the matter is.' At thirteen, Sissy is a natural healer and
nurturer. She hovers over her baby brother kissing all of his owies and
making sure that life is gentle and kind to him. We have many debates
over just how much mothering is smothering, but that's another topic
for another day. What caught my attention that day was that while our
little Buddha Napoleon was whining and grumbling in his two year old
lingo, she was continually asking him, "What's wrong?" She repeatedly
asked it in the most loving and dear voice. "What's wrong?" You could
definitely tell that she was genuinely concerned and wanted to know
what was bothering him and how could she help. "What's wrong?" Over and
over she asked him, "What's wrong?" as he babbled incoherently at her
about something that was obviously 'wrong' in his world.

I
found myself getting really annoyed. But why? I began thinking about
why that question repeated in such a sugar coated voice was bothering
me so deeply. Then it hit me. This is the core of where we learn to
think that something is wrong with our lives. It's that question asked
of us since the cradle. "What's wrong?" That gets us thinking that
something is actually wrong.

I told her to shift her
question to "What's the matter?" I told her that it means the same as
"What's the topic?" She could also say, "Tell me why you are upset." Or
ask him "Why are you crying?" She could also ask him, "How can I help?"
Make the conversation about the topic or event without actually
assuming that something in life must be 'wrong'. Just because we are
upset or frustrated doesn't mean that life is wrong.

Asking
someone, "What's wrong?" immediately puts them into the mind frame of
describing what is wrong with their circumstances. They focus only on
the negative and not on problem solving or solutions. They aren't
focused on their own role in creating the situation. By asking someone,
"What's wrong?" we are doing them a disservice. We are sending them
down the wrong path. The goal should be to guide them towards finding
peace within the moment, towards finding solutions, towards self esteem
and other things that help them move through the difficult times in
their life.

Funny thing words, such power can come from
a small shift in vocabulary. My personal favorite is to ask, "So tell
me, what do you need?" Another favorite is, "So, what do you want to do
about it?" This immediately puts them into a place of looking at a
future where the negative circumstances is no longer perceived as such.
What skills and tools would help them to overcome their problem? These
types of questions also open up the door so that I can also propose
that they might need to make a shift in attitude towards the problem or
person bothering them. From that point, we can begin to take inventory
of what skills and tools they already posses. We can begin looking at
how to implement the changes they want to see. We can also begin
brainstorming for ways to manifest whatever skills or tools they might
need to acquire. It's a very solution oriented question. Quite often, I
don't end up doing much of anything to actually fix their problem.
Mostly, I just pose the right questions to get their minds moving in a
different direction other than being angry or hurt by their
experiences. If they really need my help, then naturally I roll up my
sleeves and pitch in, but rarely do they need anything more than a
different attitude and approach to life's ups and downs.

This
change in how we can show our care and compassion towards others
applies to everyone regardless of age. Try it the next time a coworker
is grumbling about the boss. Ask them, "Well, what do you think we
should do to start making changes around here?" The next time your
teenager starts sniveling about how unfair life is, ask them, "How do
you propose we make it more fair for everyone involved and not just
you?" When you find your spouse looking like they're close to tears,
ask "How can I help you to feel better?" These types of questions get
the person looking forward towards a time when they might not be
miserable anymore.

With little kids especially, it would
really help to use these kinds of questions to mold their original
understandings about problem solving. It's better to get them used to
looking towards creating a life they find joyful rather than towards
finding fault with the world. We cannot just fix everything for them,
and we cannot teach them to whine and complain. We have to teach them
that it is possible to turn adversity into opportunity. We really owe
it to our children to teach them how to open up and ask for help when
they are overwhelmed. At the same time, we have to make sure they know
they will be solving their own problems. It's never too soon to teach
our children how to take responsibility for what kind of experiences
they are having. Help them when the really need it, but most of the
time they just need to be reminded that they're perfectly capable of
fixing it themselves.

Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge

About the Author

Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow's Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, and parenting. Her books and articles have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. To read more of her articles, sign up to receive her free weekly newsletter, and get free previews of her books go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net.

Skye@TomorrowsEdge.net

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