Trust Starts with You

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 by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

“I have a hard time trusting people.”

“I never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife).”

It is very common for me, in my work as a counselor, to
hear the above statements. Trust issues abound in relationships.
However, resolving trust issues is not about getting another person to
be trustworthy. It’s about you become a trustworthy person with
yourself and learning to trust yourself.

BECOMING TRUSTWORTHY WITH YOURSELF

How often do you promise yourself you are going to do
something and then don’t do it? For example, we often promise ourselves
to:

• Get the taxes done on time.
  

• Catch up on email, phone calls, and other correspondence.
  

• Eat better.
  

• Drink less alcohol.
  

• Stop reckless spending, gambling, or whatever puts us in financial distress.
  

• Stop getting angry.
  

• Stop giving ourselves up.
  

• Lose weight.
  

• Get more exercise.
  

• Get more sleep (or sleep less).
  

• Get together with friends.
  

• Clean up the house, or clean up the clutter.
  

• Be on time.
  

• Watch less TV or spend less time on the computer.
  

• Meditate or pray.
  

• Take time for ourselves.
  

• Finish a project.
  

• And so on…..
  

If you promise yourself you will do something and then you
don’t do it, you are not being trustworthy with yourself. This would be
like promising a child something and then not doing it. Eventually the
child would learn not to trust you. The same applies with your Child
within. If you promise yourself – your Inner Child – that you will take
care of yourself in some way and then you don’t do it, the Inner Child
learns that there is no inner adult to trust. Since many of us project
onto others our own inner issues, it is likely that if you are not
trustworthy with yourself, you will project untrustworthiness onto
others. You will continue to distrust others as long as you are not
behaving in a trustworthy way with yourself and with others.

TRUSTING YOURSELF

Many of us grew up with parents who did not trust our
feelings and perceptions. We might have been told that what we felt and
what we experienced was wrong.

Mother: Put on a sweater. It’s cold outside.

Child: I’m not cold.

Mother: You’re just a child. What do you know? Put on a sweater.

Mother: Go give your Uncle Sam a kiss.

Child: No, I don’t like Uncle Sam. He’s creepy.

Mother: Of course you like Uncle Sam. Now go give him a kiss.

Child: My teacher is really mean to me.

Father: I’m sure your teacher is very nice. If your teacher is mean to you, it must be your fault.

Child: Daddy, why are you angry at me?

Father: I’m not angry.

After a while, we learn to discount and mistrust our
feelings and perceptions. We learn to give our authority away to our
parents and other adults, deciding that others must know more about
what we feel, want and perceive than we do. We abandon our inner
knowing and stop trusting ourselves.

I have worked with many people who felt deeply betrayed
by someone, only to discover in the course of our work together than
they had betrayed themselves by not listening to themselves. I often
hear statements such as:

“I knew when we first met that Frank was lying to me
about his money situation, but I didn’t listen to myself. I believed
him instead of believing myself, and now I’m stuck with all this debt.”

“I had a feeling that Katherine was having affairs even
before we got married but I didn’t listen to myself. The last thing I
ever wanted was to be divorced with children.”

We can often feel in our bodies what is true and what is
untrue, yet many of us don’t listen to these inner messages. Instead,
we put our trust in others and then feel betrayed when others let us
down. When we choose to listen to and trust our own inner voice rather
than give our power away to others, we will no longer put ourselves in
positions to be used and betrayed.

How often have you ignored yourself when something
didn’t feel right, only to later discover that you really did know that
something wasn’t right? How often have you heard the voice of your
inner or Higher Self and discounted it, only to regret it later?

Your trust issues with others will be resolved when you
become a trustworthy adult with yourself – following through on what
you say you will do, and when you learn to trust your inner knowing. It
will be harder for others to get away with unloving acts toward you
when you learn to trust yourself.

Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul

This article is offered for free use in your ezine, print
publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at
the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would
be appreciated.

For other articles which you are free to use, see http://www.innerbonding.com

About the Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of a powerful healing process called Inner Bonding. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

margaret@innerbonding.com

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